Friday, October 11, 2013

Failure is a Bitter Pill

After reading some of the odd news articles this week, it occurs to me that perhaps, some of these poor slobs that found themselves being apprehended must look back with regret.  Sure, it stinks getting caught in the commission of a crime, I suspect. (I don't have first hand knowledge but I am assuming that is the case.) But wouldn't it even be worse  if everyone that read the account of the crime,  thought "What a dumbass!"


So in our effort to help "criminal-want-to-be's" not to appear quite as stupid,  Crabby Pants is offering some remedial criminality classes. Here at TAOBC we are all about promoting the idea  "do things to the best of your ability."  Seriously...if you are going to do something, do it at least well enough that you don't cause people to spurt coffee out of their nose because they are laughing at you.  

 So....Just to clarify....  This class isn't about teaching people to break the laws...this is a class to teach people that are already criminals from further embarrassing themselves with the extremely stupid decisions that lead to having their mug shot appear in the likes of  The Smoking Gun or The Huffington Post.

Let's work together to insure that you are the laughing stock of your cell block. 

So to all you lowly law-breakers out there that  are up for a little self-improvement......Welcome to Remedial Criminality

 Jumping the Gun

After Jimmy Dewayne Whipple of Port Charlotte, Florida called deputies to report a stolen firearm on Tuesday, deputies learned he was a convicted felon and thus prohibited from possessing guns, the Charlotte County Sheriff's Office reported.
 
Arriving deputies also noticed some illegal stuff at Whipple's home, such as a smoking pipe,  a grinder, a container, and four small smoked ‘joints’ on a coffee table.  The grinder's contents tested positive for cannabis. according to the report.

Deputies also reportedly found a pill bottle that contained a drug for which Whipple did not have a prescription.

Whipple was charged with possession of firearms by a convicted felon, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of marijuana, and possession of drugs without a prescription. 


Basic rule of thumb..... Don't invite cops over to your home if you have  illegal drugs sitting about. Your home may be your castle but it's not supposed to be your pharmacy. 

 Dis-tracked  Driver

A Louisiana man  got distracted while driving because he was shooting up heroin at the same time rammed into the back of a police car on Monday. Ronald Caplina was driving about 40 mph when he crashed into the lieutenant’s police vehicle.

The Slidell police officer sustained minor injuries from the accident which happened at about 4 PM, according to WAFB. The officer was monitoring traffic and was parked on the shoulder when he noticed a  car veer off the road and head straight toward his car.

The impact pushed the police officer's vehicle several feet, causing minor injuries to both the officer and Caplina, who was not wearing his seat belt.

Slidell Police tried asking Caplina why he was distracted, but he could not give them a clear answer.

Police discovered a fresh syringe, along with suspected heroin, inside the vehicle and Caplina had fresh  track marks on his arm.

Police believe Caplina was distracted because he was injecting heroin at the time of the crash.


While it's never a good idea to hit a cop car, it makes it significantly worse, if you are shooting up heroine.  

With Friends Like This....

After 25 beers — maybe more, police say — a Springfield, Missouri  man fired a handgun from a vehicle, trying to hit a snake slithering across the street.

Two shots hit the car’s roof, one struck a passenger’s head and a fourth shot actually made it across the street, court documents say. While , Erin Moad, the passenger, was not seriously injured, according to the documents, he had to of been disappointed that the story focused more on the snake than the fact some drunk shot him in the head.

Tyler C. Parker was charged Tuesday with second-degree assault as well as one count of “unlawful use of a loaded firearm by an intoxicated person.”

Deputies were alerted to the July 20 shooting when hospital staff reported a suspicious gunshot wound.  According to court documents, Parker admitted to shooting across the farm road at a snake while sitting on the door of the vehicle. He allegedly said he had drank 25 beers or more.

If convicted, he could face as much as 11 years in prison.

I did find it interesting there are a lot of articles about this and nearly all of them focus on the fact the guy was shooting a snake while hanging out the car's window.  The fact, he shot his friend in the head seems to be a sub-plot.  

35 comments:

Just Keepin' It Real Folks said...

Well, the heroin dude is a poor multitasker fo' sho and the Missouri man is a bad shot, but a helluva good drinker. Damn, 25 beers and still standing???? That's impressive!!!

Cheryl P. said...

Must of been having the shakes due to the fact he needed a fix. Why he didn't just pull over prior to hitting the cop car, is anyone's guess.
I think it would be nice if there was a Q & A portion to these reports. Did he drink those in one afternoon or was this a 3 day bender? Surely if it a person drank more that 4 six packs back to back they'd be unconcious...wouldn't they? There probably was a time that I would know someone proficient enough in the art of drinking to answer drinking questions for me but most of my age group that is still alive have cut back.

lisleman said...

I'm going out a limb and giving the heroin driver a big benefit of doubt. He may have noticed the big 911 written on the police vehicle and this was a cry for help. That's probably a bad guess. Could be he didn't know he was operating a car.
beer-gun-snake incident - he should push for it to be considered a hunting accident. Gee I recall a Vice President shooting a guy in the face by accident hunting once.

Chubby Chatterbox said...

I once rammed a Fish and Wildlife ranger's boat and he yelled at me so long and hard that he failed to notice the ten trout I'd caught without a fishing license.

Cat said...

Yes, you have some doozies there. Also, as a male, having your wife give a urine sample for a drug test does two things... You get arrested for the little incident, but you find out that your wife is pregnant! (Yes, this happened.) I have heard some funny ones from the deputies I know, but not quite at that level...

Wendy said...

I must say you are looking unusually spiffy in your police uniform. Perhaps you could take up teaching this class as a side job, since it will likely be bursting at the seams with students. But, maybe best teach it to those IN the prison, so you are part of the rehabilitation program. Hum..wait..teaching them to be less dumb doing criminal actions as part of rehab? Hum, Cheryl, you'll need to work on the best words to frame that funding!

oldereyes said...

You really need to work out a deal with Jay Leno to provide material for his Headlines. These are hysterical. I'm hiding out in a local coffee shop because Muri's out with friends ... and other customers are looking at me because I'm laughing out loud.

Cheryl P. said...

You could be right (**cough, cough**) about the guy thinking it was a call for help. I am thinking you are closer to being right that the guy wasn't lucid enough to realize where he was.



As for the beer-gun-snake incident. I think you are onto something. You must be pretty good at thinking up excuses. Can Crabby Pant's hire you to help with the Remedial Criminality Classes?


But in regards to the Cheney shooting accident...no matter what your political leanings are...didn't we all think "what a dumbass?" While he didn't do anything illegal, perhaps he needed to take a remedial hunting class.

Cheryl P. said...

You live a most interesting life, Chatterbox. There is probably a post in there for you to blog about. What caused you to ram into a ranger's boat? What did he yell at you about? I mean really, there isn't much to say about bad boat driving is there? You got lucky on the trout situation. Thank god you didn't ram his pickup with a deer tied to the top. Bet he would of noticed that.

Cheryl P. said...

That is hilarious. I used to run an employment office and have seen some amazing things show up on urine analysis but NEVER EVER have I EVER had a male (albeit female urine thanks to a switch-a-roo) urine sample show up with a positive for pregnancy.

Cheryl P. said...

I think navy blue is Crabby's color. I would start my Remedial Criminality Seminar series here in Kansas City but I would need a really big auditorium to support the demand. You are so right that even then it might be wall to wall students.


Aren't you the clever one to think about funding. HMMM..probably can't get a government grant at this point as the government is closed. Surely my students will have something worth value that they have stolen, grown or manufactured.



I am afraid that if I wait until after they are incarcerated, it would be too late to spare them the humiliation of being laughed at for sub-standard criminal practices. If the attached detainees for example would of taken Crabby's classes they would of known to wear different T shirts.

Cheryl P. said...

I am so glad you are finding some laughs in these. Every week while looking for odd news to post on Friday, I am often amused, frequently amazed and usually alarmed at how people think...or not think, as the case may be.



I hope the people in the coffee shop are the stuffy looking ones that are trying to look pretentious. Secretly that want to be having more fun than they are.

Agent 54 said...

Love a woman in uniform.


It is amazing how incredibly creative the criminals can get when expanding the boundaries of stupidity. If I attempted to drink 25 beers in a day, all I could accomplish is to vomit and pass out somewhere between beer 5 and 8.

Cheryl P. said...

It is amazing at how corrupted minds work. You just have to wonder if these idiots look back at their screw ups and wonder "what was I thinking?"



I can't drink so I am a bit naive to how much beer it would take an "efficient" drinker to pass out but 25 sounds like a person should have passed out. Since it doesn't tell us how long it took him to consume all that, maybe he was pacing himself...although not pacing himself enough..... he was drunk enough to shoot his friend in the head.

Wendy said...

Seriously, these are real detainees photos? I think these two need the super deluxe, condensed for quick learning courses. Best have them ready- pronto. Will you serve coffee/tea and muffins? Or hum, maybe they eat one, stuff two into side pockets.

Jo-Anne said...

Yeah I think we all know that drugs make people stupid so using drugs and calling the cops really spells trouble but of course when a person is either high or drunk everything sounds like a good idea.............lets stick a firework in my bum and light it sounds like a great idea to a drunk person and yes I know someone who did this and got 3rd degree burns to his bum...........

Riot Kitty said...

You should SO have a column! I always look forward to reading your dispatches. I mean, who else could come up with a sentence like: While it's never a good idea to hit a cop car, it makes it significantly worse, if you are shooting up heroine.

Cheryl P. said...

I can't imagine how much booze a person would have to consume in order to think that putting a ignitable explosive up one's derriere. They got off lucky with just burns and not major injuries.

Cheryl P. said...

Thank you! You always lift my spirits RK. It's always a bit disheartening to track readership as it goes up and down. Having people enjoy any of what I write keeps me going.

Cheryl P. said...

Yep, real mug shots of people that have made poor choices on the day they got their photos taken.



Again, you are on top of the situation. Snacks??? What would be difficult to steal? I see Crabby and I have more planning to do.

lisleman said...

My political leaning (I just lean and don't fall over into the extreme pits of our political landscape) has me wanting to throw even more names at that past Vice President. Name calling is fun but not very productive so I'll stop that thought.
Hire me as a remedial assistant? Do you pay in blog links?
All of us are good at excuses. Some excel at it. Excuses are not as bad as the a$$holes who feel they don't even need or want an excuse for their actions. When is your next class?

Cheryl P. said...

I, too, just sway a bit and don't fall very far into the extreme pits of politics. At this point, I am ready to call all kinds of politicians colorful names. It however is losing most of the fun factor at this point.
You are right, BTW...the people that need to be excused for being vile, typically don't recognize the fact.
As for my upcoming Remedial Criminality classes...I am not sure when I might get them going. Wendy keeps making some very valid suggestions. Her latest query is what snacks I might serve. She points out that my audience of criminals might steal them.
As far as payment for any assitance I hire, that all I can afford...blog links.

Jo-Anne said...

That he did, but it hasn't stopped him doing stupid things like that

Cheryl said...

I was incredibly grateful I didn't have a mouthful of Diet Coke on its way down my throat when I read this. Stupid is as stupid does and I don't think there's any cure or classes that would help any one of these idjits. Kudos on that last graphic. 'You have opened up a new level of stupid I'm not prepared to deal with' is going to be my new go-to quip whenever a friend or loved one pulls a real boneheaded move.

Cheryl P. said...

Susan, you always make me laugh....out loud or other wise. Yes, here in the Midwest, it's never a bad idea to use some precautionary measures during hunting season.(duck and swerve, duck and swerve) As far as the guy with the 25 beers in him perhaps his friends should have done a thorough pat down before letting him in the car.

Robyn Engel said...

I vote for this as your funniest post ever. I'm still laughing about "Friends don't shoot friends." Were it not for all the stupid people in the world, we've have so much less to laugh about.



xoRobyn

Cheryl P. said...

Thanks Robyn, I am so glad you are finding this funny. I agree that without people that act badly, who could we make fun of. Seems there are a lot of people out there that are always ready to supply us with "crazy".

Jayne said...

This stuff is gold. Just snorted wine out my nose. Remind me not to drink and read your blog at the same time. That one guy who rammed the cop car reminded me of when I was 16, with a carload of friends, going through an intersection on a green light and T-boned a cop car, who was going through the intersection on a red light. He claimed to have lights and siren on, but me and my teenage buddies disputed that. Of course, with the radio blasting who knows? Anyway, no one was hurt and I was a hero at school.

Cheryl P. said...

Can't imagine wine out the nose is the best way to enjoy some vino. Still, I appreciate that you found some humor.


Wow...that is interesting about the crash. At 16 weren't you initially peeing your pants when you realized it was a cop. At least you got some hero worship for it (hopefully without a ticket involved).


I had a similar thing happen as an adult. A cop car was coming up behind me really fast but he didn't have lights on so I just kept driving. But I kept checking my mirror and he wasn't slowing down and getting really close so I started to pull over but by that time had I not taken a hasty exit into a ditch he would of hit me. He blasted past and never stopped. After he was around me he turned on his lights. I wasn't hurt but I was madder than hell. I never did anything about it because I am sure it would of been hard to prove.

abeerfortheshower said...

Oh man, that heroin story reminds me of a guy I knew in college. He was driving home extremely drunk one night and still drinking at the same time. He lifted his beer to take another sip... and slammed into the back of a state patrol car. I kid you not. That guy lost his license for so, SO long (and thank God for it).

Cheryl P. said...

Oh my gawd...what a moron. (he wasn't like a good friend or anything was he?) I would hate to offend you with telling you a pal was an idiot.



You have to appreciate the irony of it though. Out of all the possible things that these drunk or drugged people could hit...they hit a police car. If there is such a thing as "fate" or "destiny", the higher powers in charge must really have an odd sense of humor.

abeerfortheshower said...

Oh no, he was not a friend. Not even an acquaintance. Just a guy who was in a few of my classes. He was a complete dumbass, and if fate does exist, then I definitely thank the stars above for taking this guy off the road. It sounded like doing so prevented him from seriously injuring or killing someone (those police cars are tanks - the officer was fine, thankfully). This WAS on a 75 mph highway, mind you...

Cheryl P. said...

Yep, the guy was a tragedy in the making. Dumbass for sure.

Dexter Klemperer said...

I guess it all depends on whether or not he hit the snake. If he missed the snake, then yes it's very inappropriate not to focus on the person he actually did hit. Shooting heroin while driving, amazing. I can't dial my cell phone while driving. Even using speed dial.

Cheryl P. said...

I think the snake made out better than the friend. I think I read that he missed the snake. I think the friend that ended up going to the hospital surely has some issues related to taking a bullet for a snake.


I don't get that either, Dexter, All the time we hear about people texting, sexting, having sex while driving. I can't manage to slide the unlock bar on my Iphone while driving. I guess I need a remedial class in multitasking while driving.