State of the Union

No this post isn't about politics. ALTHOUGH, it does contain aspects such as diplomacy, negotiations, treaties, civil unrest, and maybe even an occasional war.  Today we are talking about marriages.

Last Sunday in the Kansas City Star in the "Celebration" section were a number of anniversary acknowledgments.  The least number of years for those listed was 40 years of wedded bliss. (can we dare hope for the bliss part?)
But as I scanned the assortment of years, I spotted a 68, a 73, and, WAIT FOR IT...an 80.  Wow, not everyone can live to see that number.

The write-up was in part as follows:

      On April 4th, Mr. and Mrs. Smith celebrated their 80th Wedding   Anniversary. As children they grew up on neighboring farms and attend the same one room school house in Settle, Kentucky......
As of April 4th, they have been married 29,220 days and counting.

Of course, I left out a lot of their story as I am not sure how Mr. and Mrs. Smith feel about my sharing their history but basically the article tells us that they moved from Kentucky to Kansas City, started two successful businesses, retired and remained in their own home until last year when they moved into a retirement center. Mr. Smith is 99 years old and Mrs. Smith is 97.

As it happens, the very day I read that article, my husband called from Canada, and somewhere in the conversation he tells me that a person that he is working with is celebrating a 35th Wedding Anniversary.  When the man
was announcing his big day to hubby, he used the phrase, "Impressive, huh?"
Dare, I be unimpressed as I was just reading about a couple that are celebrating 80 years together?


I am always intrigued by how two people find each other and end up vowing to stay together FOREVER.   Everyone's marriage is so different. Why some work and others don't is interesting to me. After all these years seeing both successful marriages and failed marriages, I can often see the reasons they went the way they did...but often not. The fact, is that only the two people in a marriage are equipped to gauge if the marriage is happy or not.

This fascination of mine probably goes back to the fact that both my husband's parents and my parents were divorced. Both of us were familiar with what "broken" looks like.  Our families didn't have amicable divorces but the "all-out war" kind of  dissolutions. We both had front row seats to the worst "reality shows" that ever were...and that was before people figured out how to make money off of these types of debacles.

You would nearly think that having lived through this, we would of been fairly cautious about who to marry, when to marry..or, for that matter, if marriage was worth the trouble at all. Not only did we think marriage was a "good" thing, we decided that while I was still in  high school.  Yeah, I know..CRAZY!!! Oddly enough, it didn't feel crazy to me at the time.  Boyfriend/now husband was in the Army and I had another year of school to complete before any of this would happen...but it did and now 44.7 years later, it still seems to have worked out very well.

ANYWAY...I was reading an article from the New York Times about the 13 things you should ask a person prior to getting married. The article was pretty much a cautionary tale of not jumping in a marriage "uninformed".  While I did notice that they omitted the section about not  getting engaged in high school, I am pretty sure it was implied.

So...on the outside chance, I can save you single people from going into marriage blindsided or help the rest of you married folks realize the error of your ways, I am passing along the 13 important things to ask.

Here are the questions, I was supposed to ask...and these are the ways I might of answered them back then.

1. Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose? (throwing plates would of been a slow day)

2. Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers? (yes, we will have children but our children won't  poop...but if they do... we both will change diapers.)

3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us? (what exes? I am in high school)

4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all? (To be determined..he's  Dutch, I'm not..big problem... but love conquers all.)

5. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out? (Seriously? Debt...we hardly have a checking account yet.  BAIL?  Never in a million years would boyfriend get arrested..so that is a non-issue.)

6. What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?
(that would depend if we ever acquire money and how much we acquire) FYI..we did manage to educate ourselves, become gainfully employed and live a comfortable life.

7. Can you deal with my doing things without you? (We are fine with separate time as boyfriend is currently in the army but thinking I'd rather focus on "together" time. )

8. Do we like each other’s parents? ("Like" is a strong word.)

9. How important is sex to you? (None of your beeswax.)

10. How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.? (NO, NO, NO)

11. Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”? (Yes, yes, yes)

12. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?
(List too long on the former, very few things on the latter.)

13, How do you see us 10 years from now? (We see ourselves as blissfully happy.)


I would venture to guess that most people don't put such a clinical approach to their courtship as to ask a list of specific questions. If prospective brides and grooms do want a list of questions, I don't think that one covers all the questions that need to be asked.  At any rate, I am not sure that it would have any bearing on if the marriage would endure.  Doesn't it really boil down to the fact that over time either "you grow together" or "you grow apart".

I have a group of friends that I meet for coffee every Wednesday morning.  We have women in the group that have been married 65 years, 55 years, and my soon to be 45 years among the mix.  We all know how each other met our spouses, if it was love, hate,  or indifference at first sight, and why and when we decided to get married. There is little commonality except for we all thought it could work....but then didn't every divorced couple feel like it would last as well.  I guess one of the real tricks is to find a person the envisions what a marriage should be and "look like" somewhat in the same vein as you think a marriage should be and "look like".  In order to get that vision ironed out you would have to be able to communicate effectively.

I had a friend (now deceased) that had been married somewhere around 35 years and it seemed to me, all she and her husband did was fight. For the most part, most of their fights were over petty miscommunications.  My friend took offense in the most innocently stated comments. She and her husband just didn't communicate well.  If he said she looked pretty in yellow, she would of taken it as she didn't look pretty in other colors or some similar type of imagined slight.  Frequently, these dust ups resulted in her moving down the hall to the guest room. which she referred to as her "apartment." Oddest marriage ever, yet it seemed that neither of them were unhappy and rarely did either of them talk about divorce.  When she became terminally ill, he cared for her until the night she died.  At the funeral he told me, he always thought she was the most beautiful woman on the earth.  I think he recognized that she was illogically hypersensitive to every comment he ever made and turned it into an offense...and that is who she was.  In spite of that, he loved her and she continually forgave him for his (supposed) inconsiderations and they were devoted to each other albeit in a bizarre kind of way. 

That might not be my vision of what a marriage looks like and it might not be your vision of what a marriage looks like, but it was the reality of what their marriage looked like.

So while marriage might be a crazy crapshoot...here's my thoughts on why it has worked out for hubby and I...

We didn't go into to marriage believing in fairy tales.  We knew, first hand, that some stories have poisoned apples and mean dragons.

We had the expectation of a "happily ever after" but knew it wouldn't magically appear with a wave of a wand.

When looking for my Prince...I was less concerned about "charming" and more concerned about him having ambition, kindness, optimism, and sense of humor.

I didn't want a castle but I wanted someone that would work hard, along side me and create a happy, secure home.

I didn't require grand things but I did require that everyday he would be happy to be part of of the family we created together....and on the occasional day that it didn't feel "happy" that he was committed to  work at tomorrow being a happier day.

We might not make it to an 80th anniversary, but I do know that if we don't make it, it will be because one or both of us died trying.

What were your expectations for marriage, if you wanted marriage in your life? Were those expectations realistic?  Were you friends before you were "in love"? 




 

Tripping

Catching a Few ZZZZs on the Flight

Nothing better than catching up on some sleep on a long flight,huh?  Isn't that what most travelers hope for?   BUT...maybe you aren't hoping for the pilot to be the one taking the snooze.

A captain and his co-pilot on the packed 325-seat Airbus A330 had decided to take turns in having 20-minute naps during the journey on August 13.

But less than two hours after take-off, both were reportedly asleep, leaving the plane cruising on autopilot with no-one to take control in the event of an emergency.

A recent poll showed that 9 out of 10 people preferred
pilots that aren't exhausted. 

They admitted what had happened to the Civil Aviation Authority (CAA), blaming longer shifts over the peak holiday season, which left them unable to get more than five hours’ sleep in the preceding 36.

The watchdog has declined to name the airline concerned for fear of deterring other pilots from reporting problems.

It confirmed the carrier was UK-based but would not say where the plane had departed from or where it was heading.

Last month a survey of more than 2,000 adults commissioned by the association suggested that nine out of 10  people would be worried about being in an aircraft flown by a pilot who has been awake for 22 hours.

The airline's name has since been released but I decided not to throw the plane under the bus. British pilots are allowed to sleep in the cockpit under certain conditions so neither the pilot or the co-pilot are being disciplined.    I find this pretty amazing, British pilots not only can fly planes but they can do it in their sleep.

Duck Discrimination

A duck used by insurance company Aflac was let loose inside a subway station in Manhattan, angering PETA and the MTA. (seems the TA TAs are aren't happy.) Aflac employees followed the little guy/duck around taking pictures and tweeting to a Twitter account for the sake of some publicity.

The website Gothamist reported that commuters on an undisclosed N and R train subway posted images of
 the duck, but it found out that it was Aflac’s doing.

“Ducks don’t belong on the subway, especially waddling through stations, and especially not when they’re used as part of a publicity stunt that makes it harder for our customers to get around,”  spokesman for the MTA, Adam Lisberg,  said in a recent statement,

He added: “We did not know about this stunt, we did not approve it, and we’ve made clear to Aflac that it was improper. New Yorkers know that animals are only allowed in the subway when they’re enclosed in containers that will prevent them from annoying any other passengers.”

The duck is calling fowl on the blatant discrimination on NYC subways. BTW...Here at TAOBC we aren't promoting ducks taking public transportation.  It is true that it might not be the safest option for them.   Note to Ducks: Next time ask Aflac to call a limo service for you. 

Bike Love

A 55-year-old nurse in England named Eileen Remedios was visiting a patient's house recently. And when she went to leave, she couldn't because someone had stolen her bike while she was inside

Eileen obviously wasn't happy about it, but she kept her sense of humor and taped a note to the lamppost she'd leaned the bike against. The note said, "Please return my bike. It is old but loved, and will be frightened without its owner."

Now, obviously Eileen never REALLY expected to see the bike again. But when she returned to the patient's home the next day, the bike was chained to the same lamppost.

And the keys to the lock were under the doormat, taped to a note that said, quote, "A great big fat SORRY from the reformed bike thief." Then at the bottom, the person assured her that they hadn't mistreated the bike in any way.

Eileen ended up writing ANOTHER note thanking them, and letting them know the bike was "happy" to be home. No word yet on whether or not they've responded again.


Am I being harsh in thinking if you are going to be a thief...even a considerate thief...you should know the "i before e except after c rule".  If you can't spell it don't be it. 

That's Very Human of You

 Do you anthropomorphize?  You can tell me...really, this conversation is just between the two of us and perhaps some inanimate object that you are currently best friends with.  Do you consider your pets to have human qualities?  Do you make friends with things around the house...not of the human variety?





 Thought Number One: According to Wikipedia we have been anthropomorphizing for a very long time.

From the beginnings of human behavioral modernity in the Upper Paleolithic, about 40,000 years ago, examples of zoomorphic (animal-shaped) works of art occur that may represent the earliest evidence we have of anthropomorphism. One of the oldest known is an ivory sculpture, the Lion man of the Hohlenstein Stadel, Germany, a human-shaped figurine with a lion's head, determined to be about 32,000 years old.
 

(according to American Heritage Dictionary)
 
(an-thruh-puh- mawr -fiz-uhm) The attributing of human characteristics and purposes to inanimate objects, animals, plants, or other natural phenomena, or to God. To describe a rushing river as “angry” is to anthropomorphize it.


Earlier this week, I was talking to a friend who was having repairs done to her home.  We were commiserating about how every time we have one issue taken care of something new rears it's ugly little head.  One could logically say that it is just physical deterioration or functional obsolescence but in this particular conversation my friend said "My house hates me!"  

As you might remember from some of my recent posts, my house has let me down a bit over the summer with a few "surprises" but I hadn't given thought to the possibility that my home is angry with me.  I was pretty secure in the fact that my house and I are pretty friendly.  I probably love my house more that it loves me but I am OK with that. I am not OK thinking it is "out to get me".

Frankly, I have never thought too much about things like houses, cars, computers, etc. having grudges against me but it did get me thinking.  


Now, I can add another worry to my rather lengthy list of worries.  What if my house hates me?

I want my house to be a friendly house.  I drive by a house fairly often on the way to my daughter's home.  Now this looks like a friendly house.





Yes, I am a happy house...look at my smile



If it were my house, maybe I would take it one step farther...or maybe not.

Thought Number Two:   My Cats and I  Are Very Pro-anthropomorphism

Ahh...how cute were the Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh stories?  Yes, very cute.
( But just to point out the obvious if this little guy, Christopher was our kid, we would
be asking ourselves, " Where does active imagination end and schizophrenia
begin?"



Yes, Pooh is quite cute. As with most things, we are evolving. 

Are you familiar with the TV show Wilfred. Wilfred is a real dog that
his owner sees as a human-like dog.  Wilfred has a very naughty
mouth and smokes like a fiend.


Disclaimer:  Two cats...even very human-like cats..... doesn't make me a cat lady.

Another Disclaimer; the opinions expressed by Carmen and Chantel do not express the opinion of Cheryl P.
Disney characters that talk and dance, not excluding tea pots, teddy bears, candlesticks, dogs, rabbits, elephants that fly, lions, puppets and even human size mice are quite lovable.

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Repeats and Do-Overs

Recently, an acquaintance of mine made the statement, "If I had  "it" to do all over again I would do everything exactly the same."  HHHMMMM...could that be true?  OR do they mean given the same knowledge that they had at the time they did "it ....whatever it was...in the first place, that they would most likely repeat "it" again.

I was just over at We Work For Cheese and Nicky was weighing in on what she might say to her 16 year old self.  If you haven't ever read her blog, you should as she is super funny...smart funny.

Thought #1.. The things I would tell my young self

I would have a lot to say to my 16 year old self but first I would have to convince her that I was, indeed....HER.  I just didn't become a skeptic, yesterday.  I have been perfecting my suspicious, "look at it from all angles" persona since birth.  I am sure 16 year old Cheryl is incredulous that she could have gotten THAT OLD!

Here are some of the things I would suggest to my 16 year old self as she is suspiciously eyeballing my wrinkles and thinking to herself that I could have done a much better job with moisturizers.

Ten things I would tell the 16 year old Cheryl P.  (there would of course be a gazillion things but for the sake of expediency let's just pick out a few)       

drummmmm  rooollllllll ....and ....IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

1.  (Sidebar: At 16, I was one year away from getting engaged and 2 years away from getting married)  I would tell my 16 year old self " Go ahead and get married.  Ignore the naysayers that tell you it can't work because you are too young. They are right of course...you are WAY too young but it will work out fine. You might want to spend less on the wedding.  You could buy a house with that same amount of money. That won't always be true.

2.  Have more fun.  Don't worry all the time and try not to be so serious.

3.  There is a little 24  store chain located only in Arkansas called Wal-Mart that has been around for about 6 years. I know that you  probably haven't even heard about yet.  When you do, buy some stock as soon as it is available.  Same goes for Apple, Google and Yahoo.  You won't hear about them for awhile as they haven't been created  yet but when they are...buy, buy, buy....as much as you can.  Oh...and buy some gold.  At around $39.00 an oz. it may not seem like a bargain, but it is.

4.  Don't take your young healthy body for granted.  You are going to get older and with age comes changes.   Get an early start on eating right and exercising. The days that you are able to wear  mini skirts and hip huggers are numbered.  You might still fit into them but they won't look good.  Gravity is not your friend.

5.  Recognize that you are going to live through thousands of trends.  Most of them amount to zip. Today's fashion is tomorrow's garbage.  Buy smart, classic and well made. 

6.  Cherish the important things like your family, friends. AND be prepared...you are going to have losses. Heart breaking losses.... You aren't immortal and neither are the people you care about.

7.  Young self, you are going to have a good life...a really good life.   Be grateful for it. It could have gone the other way.  You are, also,  going to have a wonderful family...look forward to it.

8.  Pay closer attention to things.  You will have trouble remembering a lot things, both big and small,  that you will want to remember. While some of it might be chucked to a bad memory, some of it is was you weren't 100% paying attention.

9. Spend less time trying to please other people and spend more time trying to please yourself.  Worry less about what other people think of you and try to act in a manner that you can respect yourself.

10.  Recognize you are going to become the person that you now think of as ancient. You will become a  cynic, overly cautious, and have a tendency to be a bit pessimistic.  But even with those qualities in play, you are going to be happy.  You will be content with the way things are going at least up to the point of your 2012 self.   Your life will be  way less WHAAA WHAAAA

AND way more WOOT WOOT!!!!

Thought # 2 Realize you can't really go back and undo the things you did wrong and try to make peace with that.

I have made more than my share of mistakes. I don't think most of  my blunders were life changing for me or for the people around me. But who knows?  Maybe something I did, changed the course for someone else in a negative way. 

So to my adult self, I would like to think in the future, that my blunders are small.  As for the things that I shouldn't of said or done, I can't go back but I can be remorseful for my lack of sensitivity, my lack of respect or my poor judgement. 

Here's a video that is talking about serious regrets.











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Things You Might Not Know

Did you know that August is "Admit You're Happy Month"?  No?  Neither did I and more importantly, I am not sure that I am all THAT happy at this exact moment. I guess I need to establish my level of happiness or lack thereof. Actually, while I was still pondering the "should I or shouldn't I" profess my happiness  to the world I made the mistake of reading the Kansas City Star. 

For my regular blog readers (yes, you... my dear blogee friends) by now I am sure you  sense that I am just a big ole barrel of sunshine. My natural tendency to be over the moon in my optimism is unfortunately curtailed due to the fact I have to analyze every detail of every facet of my life and thereby  finding an alternate point of view to pretty much squash any moment of joy.   In other words, any happy event can be countered by the equal or opposite negative aspect of said event.

This should be called Cheryl's Conundrum

 Happy + Research = Cynicism² 
                                    Pessimism

So part of the solution to this conundrum would be that I should stay away from newspapers, Internet and the TV news programs.  However, as I am seemingly a glutton for punishment, I read anything I can get my greedy little hands on. 

But, I digress.  I picked up the newspaper and this is one of the articles that was my unfortunate fate to see.

Oatmeal and the word "gloomier" is perhaps not the ideal start to any given day.

So, of course, I had to keep reading by going to continued on page 10.

Really, did anyone need a survey to prove the fact that pessimism is growing?  They could of just called me and I would have clarified the matter without a survey.  You know how I ADORE (dripping with sarcasm)surveys.  Remember the Who's Lazy? survey that I wrote about.  The Center for Disease Control did a survey to find out who the lazy people are and where they live.  Turns out there is a Lazy Belt that runs through the country.  I happened to luck out on that survey by the grace of living in Johnson County, Kansas.  There surely is a margin of error though as my career is in the dumper therefore leaving me less than BUSY.    So technically, I have escaped being considered lazy but I absolutely deserve to be counted as one of the growing pessimists. 

***Please, note that I haven't had anyone actually ask me to weigh in on either of these studies so I am one of the silent majority, evidently.



A statue of one of the Greek philosophers
known as the Cynics. 

 ***To further clarify, At this point I would consider myself a cynic not a pessimist.  I might be growing in my pessimism but it is still a work in progress.


So after realizing that I am one of the growing pessimist in the world, I went to my ever helpful calendar to see what I might have going on of interest in my life that would renew and give me joy and VOILA...discovered the fact about August being "Admit Your Happy" month and it further shows the month is broken down into weekly categories.  Unfortunately we are now three weeks into the month  (plus 3 days) not only have I not admitted my happiness but I seemed to have missed a couple of other categories.

• Week 1    National Simplify your Life Week
• Week 2    National Smile Week
• Week 3    Friendship Week
• Week 4    Be Kind to Humankind Week

Now I find I have also pretty much screwed up my weekly obligations such as  simplifying my life, smiling for a week, and probably I could have been a better friend.

I have one last chance to make good for the month of August.  I need to be kind to HUMANKIND.  Tall order for me considering my cynicism and all. 




The Good for the Day... The 27th is Just Because Day.  I think I could work with that. I Need a new [fill in the blank]?  Just because...


The Bad for the Day....Today was Vesuvius Day.  Isn't this a bad month to place Vesuvius Day.  How happy could the Greeks have been during that particular event.

The Weird for the Day.....The 28th of August is "Race Your Mouse Day".  Truly, that is what the calendar says.  Your guess is as good as mine.

Happy song!!