The New Improved You

A very interesting blogger over at Older Eyes  has had a couple of posts in which the subject of self-help books were mentioned.   From reading Bud's blog, I can tell you he is not only a really good writer but a talented artist as well.

I used to be more of an "avid" reader but that has greatly decreased as my preponderance to sit my butt in front of a computer screen the better part of any given day has somewhat diminished the amount of actual "books" I read.  Don't get me wrong, I still buy a gazillion books with many of them being those that would be listed under the "self-help" genre. 

First of all, the category of "self-help" books needs to be divided into two distinctive categories.

The first category is the INSTRUCTIONAL books.  You know....books that are going to teach you something TANGIBLE.  A lot of these books look like this. I buy these books by the dozens.  I kid you not.  At any given time, I have 3 or 4 or more of them on my desk.  I devour these on all manner of topics.  These books are like popcorn that needs to be eaten. 

This by the way, leads me to two major conclusions about my life.

 A. I am a Dummy

 B. I am a Complete Idiot

It, also, by the way, has me questioning my total lack of ability on all manner of subjects, or really...why would I need to be constantly reading books telling me that I am both a dummy and an idiot.  I don't find this helpful.  Kinda counter intuative to the genre, SELF-HELP.
  

  



The second type of self-help book deals with "INTANGIBLE" instruction such as improving your attitude, alleviating your worries and generally working on your psyche. These are the type of self-help books that I was commenting on over at Older Eyes.  These are, also, the books, that I am suspicious of.

My tendency to not "buy into" the mass produced self-help book  of the intangible sort, became apparent a few years ago when the book Who Moved the Cheese came out.  It's not that I dont' think the book's parable with Sniff and Scurry and Hem and Haw wasn't clever enough but there was the niggling little thought that kept saying the people were over-reacting a bit.  I mean...REALLY...every corporation in America was having corporate seminars about little mice nibbling on cheese.

 At that time, I owned a corporate training company and one of the big communications firms, hired me for 8 weeks to develop seminars that ALL of their employees would be mandated to take on the subject of  "ACCEPTING CHANGE".  In their case, the seminars were a precursor to a giant layoff that was about to befall them.  I guess you can call losing your job a form of change, but even as great of trainer (**crickets**) as I am, it it hard to spin that as a positive. 

This "lack of enthusiasm" on my part,  continued when the company I worked for during the release of The Secret started having seminars where we were to work on our visualization of what we wanted in life.  Somehow it just didn't seem right that I was visualizing "not having to work there." Not to diminish thinking good thoughts,  I do believe in the power of positive thinking...I sense that some of you are surprised by this, and yes, I know that is not always evident.

As I am more than willing to try anything once, especially if thinking about it is easier than actually doing anything about it, I did in fact try thinking my way into being rich.  So far I have had minimal success.  According to the film, for those of you that haven't had the privilege, there is a guy that sits in his recliner and thinks great wonderful thoughts about getting a new car and low and behold he gets one.  As I recall the guy was unemployed at the time, which begs the question,  is he able to afford this car... but leave it to me to question the Law of Attraction.  It is a LAW after all.

So, to summarize:

I do think there are bits and pieces in self-help books that may be motivational BUT ( ya' saw that "but" coming, huh?) it is a bit of a challenge for an author to write a book in the genre of self-help unless he truly would have knowledge of the "self" that is reading it.

IN OTHER WORDS...I could (if I had any ability what-so-ever) write a book that would tell you that I can improve your happiness level by 100 percent by the end of business today.  That's right...I have the magic formula to  improve your self-esteem  by 100 percent.  Money Back guarantee!!!!

In my opinion (in most circles "my opinion" is rated  on par at the same level as dog poo) the major hurdle here with my upcoming book and those that are already mass marketed is....we aren't exactly sure of your level of [whatever the author is pushing].  As we/I don't know a damn thing about you, it is a little brazen of me to say I can improve, modify, enlighten any of your emotions.  Still, feel free to buy my book and I will give it a try. At least with my book the price is in direct proportion to the quality. Free...which is also, how I can offer the 100 percent money-back guarantee.

Sooooo....for the sake of trying to be a team player here, I am going to write a self-help post.  Well, actually, I am just going to give you a teaser of a self-help post.  For the rest of my wisdom, you will have to buy the book. 

So here goes...two things you can do to improve your self-esteem by 5:00.  You will look cooler and feel more self assured.
Number 1...Swimwear for winners.

For those of you that are ill at ease at the beach or pool...I am here to help.

For those of you out there that just are uncomfortable with modern swimwear, there is an alternative.   I know, I know, swimming suits can be  the single most crushing of the ego deflaters.   Clearly, even the most awesome bodies have a little jiggle here and there.

The solution...a wetsuit.  Why wear a revealing suit, when you can look super cool in a wetsuit?  Anyone that is questioning this fashion choice is quickly silenced with the ever useful line:

I AM IN TRAINING...this line is sure to impress and assuage any lingering doubts they might have.

Oh, you think wetsuits are too pricey...no problem.

Cheaper fix.... SPANX.  Say it with me, people...spandex is our friend!!!!  That's right.  I know you think that Spanx is under-garment shaping but hey...buy the black separates.  Together it will look like a wetsuit.  (Men, you can do this as well, just be careful not to get a top with a built in bra...well unless you need that) 

To further authenticate the look be sure to find you old YMCA swimming patch or wear a gold medal around your neck. 

Hey, are you in training????

You are now rockin' the beach!


Another tip that is sure to make you feel good about yourself.   Sunglasses!! Simple fix.  Everyone looks better in sunglasses. 

After reading a rather interesting article over at Newsvine, where someone going by the name of Werdoomed made the comment that people's attractiveness level drops between 10-70 percent when they take their sunglasses off. Frankly, I think Werdoomed is a genius. Truly, everyone looks way more attractive with sunglasses on. I do draw the line when people keep their shades on in dark rooms and at night as that is something else entirely. It's not about looking good as much as not looking like you are "under the influence" of something.

See, Joe COOL





Even non-cartoon dogs look cool in sunglasses

 



Little grandbabies look great in sunglasses




 Whoa!!! BACK THE TRUCK UP....I SAID SUNGLASSES!!!!

NOT MR. POTATO HEAD GLASSES......







Maybe the pacifier with the Mr. Potato Head glasses isn't
cool but it is very cute from a grandparent's point of
view.

 



OK, I am visualizing him in sunglasses.  See
I can visualize and he is still very cute.







Around the Water Cooler 9/16/2011

Another Friday has come and we have some more weird news stories that you might have missed.  Just in case, here are a few of the lesser reported news items.


We Have A Winner

I am sure you will be relieved to know that there is a new "winner" of the Longest Fingernails in the World competition.  Surely, you would like to shake the hand of Chris "the Duchess" Walton who has nailed the title for having 10 feet 2 inches of nails on her left hand and 9 foot 7 inches of nails on her right hand.

The Las Vegas woman is helping kick off the 2012 edition of the Guinness Book of World Records which will go on sale later this month.  It took 18 years for the Duchess to achieve this prestigious distinction.

The Duchess says she does her own nails and makeup as well as her own household chores.  She is currently working on a singing career.


OK, tell me I am the only one that has questions??? Makeup??? How does she put on makeup without poking an eye out?  AND the obvious question is just too personal but still...how does she do that....???



Ring a Ding from a Ding a Ling

AMSTERDAM -- Dutch prosecutors are charging a 42-year-old woman with stalking after she allegedly called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. The 62-year-old victim from The Hague filed a police complaint in August due to the persistent phone calls. Police arrested the suspected stalker Monday, seizing several cell phones and computers from her home in Rotterdam. Hague prosecution spokeswoman Nicolette Stoel said Thursday the woman argued to judges at a preliminary hearing she had a relationship with the man and the number of calls she placed to him wasn't excessive. The man denied they had a relationship. The court ordered her not to contact him again. Simple math shows that if one were to make 65,000 a year, you would have had to place 1,250 a week or 178 calls each day. That breaks down to about one phone call every eight minutes — and this doesn't take in to account time to sleep, eat or take necessary breaks.  That is one serious multi-tasker.


I wondered if she called him to ask if he thought that the verdict was fair and what exactly constitutes "contact"?  I, also found it funny that in court she claimed 62,000 times wasn't excessive.  Does that mean she crossed the line on  just 3000ish calls


You Snooze, You Lose

WICHITA, Kansas — Wichita police say a burglar's decision to take a nap busted him inside a couple's home late Saturday afternoon.

Goldilocks could probably relate to a man arrested over the weekend in southeast Wichita. Police say a 35-year-old homeless man broke into a house on Saturday afternoon and began collecting items he planned to steal. While he was there, however, he found the opportunity for a hot shower and a nap in a nice bed too much to resist.

He was still asleep when the couple that lives at the house in the 1500 block of East Wassall  returned home about 5 p.m. on Saturday, Lt. Steve Kenney said.  The couple found the intruder in the bedroom frantically trying to pull on clothes owned by the husband. They called 911, and officers found the burglar hiding in a closet.

The man was booked into the Sedgwick County Jail.


Moral of the story:  Burglars out there...listen up...finish your work then take a nap when you get home. 


The Cat Came Back

 The Cat Came Back isn't just a children's song evidently.  Willow, the Calico cat escaped out of Colorado home 5 years ago. But thanks to a microchip that was implanted when she was a kitten, Willow will be reunited in Boulder, Colo., with her owners, the Squires, who had long ago given up hope. 



  Willow was found on East 20th Street by a man who took her to a shelter, and Julie Bank, executive director of Animal Care, said the microchip led to the Squires family. When Jamie Squire received the call she couldn't believe that Willow was alive and well.  How Willow traveled more than 1800 miles is still a mystery.  The cat seems to be well cared for and has a sweet temperament according to the animal care facility. Animal Care and the Squires were trying to arrange for transportation back to Colorado. In the interim, Willow may stay with a foster family in New York.




Perhaps, Willow went to New York to seek fame and fortune...or perhaps she heard about  other "Cats" having made it big on Broadway.

 
It's Not the Food that is the Problem

 COLUMBUS, Ohio -- A New York man is suing White Castle, claiming the booths in one of its hamburger restaurants are too small. Martin Kessman says in the federal lawsuit filed last week that he was embarrassed in 2009 when he tried squeezing his 6-foot, 290-pound frame into the seating at a White Castle in Nanuet, N.Y. He says he slammed his knee into a metal post under the table and was in pain. The lawsuit claims the restaurant could not accommodate a customer of Kessman's stature, in violation of the Americans With Disabilities Act. The suit seeks an unspecified financial judgment. Spokesman Jamie Richardson at White Castle headquarters in Columbus, Ohio, says the restaurant is being replaced and that the new one will have roomier seating. According to The New York Post, Kessman said "I'm not a humongous [but] I'm a big guy. After leaving the restaurant in pain from his injuries related to the under-sized booth, he wrote multiple letters to the corporate headquarters about the inadequate seating situation and his extreme embarrassment in having to try to squeeze himself into a chair at the Rockland County location.  White Castle's response according to Kessman was a series of condescending letters and three coupons for a total of nine free hamburgers.  "But the cheese was extra". he wrote into the lawsuit. Spokesman Jamie Richardson at White Castle headquarters in Columbus, Ohio, says the restaurant is being replaced and that the new one will have roomier seating.


 I can see if one is embarrassed by not being able to force one's fat self into a seat, that going global with a lawsuit is sure to shore up one's self esteem.  Maybe he should use the drive-thru and skip the cheese on those yummy little burgers.




Here is a Tip

A western Pennsylvania jewelry store owner says a man charged with burglarizing the shop called and offered to help solve the case after the owner offered a reward. Police have since charged 28-year-old Emile Pratt Jr. with burglarizing Mark Multari's Gold Mind Jewelers in Sharon, about 60 miles northwest of Pittsburgh.  Multari tells The Sharon Herald that  after he announced a reward for information pertaining to an Aug. 31 burglary, Pratt called claiming to have heard glass breaking when the alarm sounded at 2:45 a.m. and "said he would help in any way" to catch the thief. Police charged Pratt after tracing some of the 100 items stolen in the burglary to stores and pawn shops where Pratt allegedly sold them. Online court records don't list an attorney for Pratt, who remains jailed.


It is never a good idea for the criminal to offer police help in tracking down the criminal. 


Perhaps this explains why the Amsterdam guy didn't pick up his phone.  He was on the dance floor and didn't want to talk or think anymore.






The Good for the Day....  Numbers can be blocked on cell phones


 The Bad for the Day...Idiot criminals



The Weird for the day..There was another case of "excessive" phoning, this year.

In Athens, Georgia a woman, Diana Jenkins was dumped by her boyfriend, Jerome Murphy in January.  Jenkins purportedly called Murphy 65,000 times. (seems to be the magic number, heh?)  Murphy filed a report with the police and Jenkins was served with a harassment charge.

As evidence the woman's cell phone carrier released excerpts of the messages she left.  Below are just a few of the thousands.

Why?

Why?

Is there another woman?

What are you doing right now?

Are you with another woman?

I'm sorry.  Why?

Are you screening this? Why?

I can change if you tell me why!  Why?

Do you remember why you broke up with me now?

How about now?

Now?