Weekly Shenanigans

This week was a bumper crop of "chat worthy" news.  In fact, this week some of the front page news,  had tongues wagging.  Executive Director, Greg Smith posted a very public resignation letter that said that his employer, Goldman Sachs, put profit before people.  Who would of guessed????? (you get the dripping sarcasm here, huh???)  I am shocked to think that any financial institution is putting profits above the welfare of their investors.  (Still sarcasm, in case you're not following along.)  In part of his letter he said:

'To put the problem in the simplest terms, the interests of the client continue to be sidelined in the way the firm operates and thinks about making money.'.....How did we get here? The firm changed the way it thought about leadership. Leadership used to be about ideas, setting an example and doing the right thing. Today, if you make enough money for the firm (and are not currently an ax murderer) you will be promoted into a position of influence.

Well, see aren't you feeling better...ax murders don't work there.

 


Ohio Student Is in Hot Water

Technically, I guess, I should say he is NOT going to be in hot water as the University of Ohio is making him remove his 211 gallon, heated, jetted,  hot tub from his dorm room.  Kevin Lenahan, OU senior installed a hot tub in his  second story dorm room but after the administration got wind of it, they have told him to remove it.

For more than a month,(or 31 pool parties) Kevin and his fellow dorm mates have been enjoying the benefits of having an on-site spa but all of that is coming to an end. Not entirely without a fight, however.

Kevin maintains he did the necessary research prior to installing the tub.  He read the housing handbook and talked his resident assistant.  While the handbook does limit the size of small appliances, the heater of the offending tub is no larger than that of a coffee maker.

The university did give Kevin a list of  safety and health related reasons why they won't allow the hot tub to stay.  Things such as water leaks, heater malfunction that could result in a fire, humidity damage to the room, and the cost of the electricity to run the tub were given as some of the issues.

Kevin did comply and removed the tub...for now.  He is filing an appeal.


I am shocked....really, shocked that anyone would actually read the housing handbook.  Housing Handbook, The Sequel is being printed as we speak. 

No Child Left Behind...Well, maybe a couple

A person is left to wonder if the Chuck E. Cheese has something equivalent to the Bermuda Triangle. 
In less than a week, not one but two children have been accidentally left at Chuck's pizzeria.
The first incident happened in Maryland when a 3 year old named Harmony  was attending a birthday party.  Her parents were in both in attendance and have shared custody of the little girl. 

It wasn't until the little girl's parents, saw Harmony on the 11 o'clock news, that they realized that the girl was left behind at the Bel Air, Md. restaurant.  Both parents had been under the mistaken impression that the OTHER parent was taking Harmony home.  (Lesson one in parenting: Never assume anything)

Yet just days later, a 5 year old in Pearland, TX is left behind by a mother with 10 children. In this case the "forgotten child" is also the "birthday girl".  Not likely a birthday that will be forgotten anytime soon. The mother didn't notice the girl's absence until the following morning when she was getting the other children up to get ready for school.   A full nine hours after the party, the mother called 911 to report her missing child.

The explanation (is there, truly, an explanation?) was that there was a crowd of people at the party. There were 19 children and 9 adults which accounted for a lot of chaos. 


WOW...never say never...I am trying to figure out any instance that I wouldn't do a head count on my kids, but then counting to two, I guess is different than counting to ten.  Still...even with the distraction of the Whack-a-Mole game calling my name, I just can't imagine not missing a kid for 9 hours. 

It hurt, it really, really hurt

A cop who was arrested for assaulting his live-in girlfriend claimed that the victim had attacked him with a Justin Bieber doll during a confrontation in the couple’s Colorado home. Michael Nuanes described his girlfriend as the aggressor in the incident.  Nuanes, a Denver Police Department officer, told deputies that his girlfriend had “thrown things, pushed him, shoved him, grabbed him, bit him, slapped him with an open hand, attempted to strangle him and beat him up.” (wordy guy, don't you think?)

According to the report, Nuanes  pointed out a Justin Bieber doll that he claimed was the item used to injure him.” He claimed  that a thrown Bieber doll--the size of a standard Barbie doll--left him with a “bruise on the outside middle part” of his left foot.  According to him "It hurt".  (not so wordy, more concise).



the perpetrator



the weapon



When cops interviewed the 42-year-old victim, she reported that Nuanes picked a fight with her over “ultimatums” that included her changing her Facebook status to indicate that she was in a relationship with Nuanes.

During a subsequent tussle, the woman told deputies, Nuanes grabber her by the hair, threw her to the ground, and punched her in the ribs. A deputy photographed the victim’s injuries, which included bruises on her head, back, arm, and chest.

 Can I just say that this guy is a big ole cry baby...but I have to wonder about the girl friend as well.  What is up with the Bieber doll???

Bibbity Bobbity Boo or something close

This back page story caught my eye this week although I gather that Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop has been in the news before.  How I could have missed it with my nose for the bizarre, I do not know. 

Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop,  was arrested on charges of carrying a concealed weapon, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of marijuana and a violation of probation in Madison, Wisc. His arrest was prompted by a call to authorities by his neighbors that complained of his excessive drinking and drug use.

 Zopittybop-Bop-Bop was born Jeffrey Drew Wilschke, according to court records.  He legally changed his name to Beezow Doo-Doo Zoopittybop-Bop-Bop in October. (who wouldn't want the name Beezow Doo-Doo Zoppitybop-Bop Bop?)



Doesn't he look vaguely familiar???



According to Zopittybop-Bop-Bop's apparent Facebook account, when he's not in trouble with the law he enjoys activities including "eating," "standing," walking," "thinking," and "diamond." He's also single... so there's that.

 I have no words...speechless....I think Beezow used up all the possible letters.



When Time Is On Your Side

 It took 100 years for one B.C. man to tarnish his perfect driving record.

The centenarian was stopped for speeding in a school zone Tuesday, a shock to a traffic officer in the Victoria suburb of Saanich when she saw the 1911 birthdate on a driver’s licence, which was good for another five years.

The traffic officer pulled over the 100-year-old driver in a Buick Century when he was spotted going 50 kilometres an hour in a school zone, where the limit is 30 kilometres an hour.

The man had a flawless driving record, so the traffic officer gave him a warning ticket.

“I was shocked, not only at the 100 years of age, but the brand new five-year renewal driver licence,” said Const. Janice Carmena.

I wonder if the cop asked "What's your hurry?"  Lot's of possible answers when your 100, I would think. 

Idiots, Idioms, and Incidents

As I was checking my sources for the lesser reported news stories for the week, I happened to notice a lot of the headlines were similar to well known idioms.  Go figure....idioms in the news.  (Please note: I said idioms not idiots, although, to be fair,  there did seem to be some overlap.)

For any of you that might have slept through  English class the day  idioms  were discussed, let me refresh your memory.....

id·i·om/ˈidēəm/

Noun:

A group of words established by usage as having a meaning not deducible from those of the individual words (e.g., raining cats and dogs). A form of expression natural to a language, person, or group of people: "he had a feeling for phrase and idiom".

Serious as a Heart Attack



A menu for those that like to live on the edge.

 As idioms go, this one is rather straight forward. It means the person is "very serious".  Here is an example:

Some of the other customers aka "patients" that were dining at the Las Vegas Heart Attack Grill might have been confused when a customer dining on a Triple Bypass Burger appeared to be having a heart attack.  Unsure if the event was a "spoof" fellow diners were initially laughing and taking pictures.  As it turns out, it wasn't a hoax.

In the restaurant where  members of the wait staff are referred to as nurses and doctors, it became apparent that one of their patients was having a true medical emergency.  Paramedics (real EMTs as opposed to pretend restaurant employees)  were called to aid Tim Szymanski who was lunching on the 6000 calorie burger when he apparently did have a cardiac episode.  The hospital is not releasing his condition due to privacy laws. However, local news media have reported that the customer is recovering.

Jon Basso, the restaurant's owner,  who promotes himself as "Doctor Jon" said there is no way the restaurant would have participated in that type of publicity stunt. 

Can't say he wasn't warned.  Have you ever seen a clearer example of Truth in Advertising???

Shoot Yourself in the Foot

I am sure all of you have heard the idiom "shoot yourself in the foot".  If you look it up in the dictionary this is what you will see. 

shoot yourself in the foot

Meaning: If you shoot yourself in the foot, you harm yourself in some way by doing something stupid or making a silly mistake.
For example:
The Minister of Agriculture shot himself in the foot by saying that farmers couldn't understand economics because they weren't educated. He resigned soon after.

For a real life example: A Brazilian bank robber took the idiom to heart.  Upon guarding the door while his buddies stole $16,000 from a bank, the bungling burglar shot himself. Yes, he did...in the foot.  He was arrested later after seeking medical treatment at a local hospital.

You have to admit...as examples go...this is a good one.


Keep Your Chin Up 

or

Over the Top

  There are a number of idioms that could fit this story,  if one wants to use their imagination a bit. Actually, some of these idioms  fit the story both figuratively and literally.



Sheyla is going to be discussing her need for larger breasts
on TLC this coming Sunday. She doesn't appear to be a big fan of
the idiom "less is more". 

 Sheyla Hershey currently holds the record in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the "World's Largest Enhanced Breasts" at a whopping 38KKK.  She has gone back to her doctor to try to have them enhanced to MMMs. (which I can only assume stands for Monumentally Massive Mammories) She had tried last year but due to a staph infection had to have the implants removed.  She is going to try again.

hhhMMMM...how about the idioms "last but not least, or "in your face".  Really, the possibilities are endless.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie*

(*disclosure this dog is really, really sleeping)

A man in Sarnia, Ont. was sorting through the mail and found a pre-approved credit card offer for his dog Spark.   Spark Sloan, the sheltie-spaniel mix was eligible to sign up online for a credit limit of $30,000 with Capital One.

The problem with the offer was two fold.

#1- It was addressed to Spark, a DOG.
#2 - Spark died 10 years ago.

Kelly Sloan, Spark's former owner,  was quoted as saying  "It’s a heck of a deal. She can apply online today, and I guess, get her card. With the economy the way it is, I can understand they’re becoming a little more lenient than they were as far as passing out credit cards.” The family went on to say that if Spark had been able to get her paws on a credit card, she would have loved a  blue hula hoop.

Capital One apologized for the error and said that before an
actual card is issued there is an application process that is subject to  approval.

The credit card company stated that the  applicant would have had to jump through some additional hoops before receiving a credit line.   Well, put Capital One.  Let's imagine it would be blue.

Around the Water Cooler 9/16/2011

Another Friday has come and we have some more weird news stories that you might have missed.  Just in case, here are a few of the lesser reported news items.


We Have A Winner

I am sure you will be relieved to know that there is a new "winner" of the Longest Fingernails in the World competition.  Surely, you would like to shake the hand of Chris "the Duchess" Walton who has nailed the title for having 10 feet 2 inches of nails on her left hand and 9 foot 7 inches of nails on her right hand.

The Las Vegas woman is helping kick off the 2012 edition of the Guinness Book of World Records which will go on sale later this month.  It took 18 years for the Duchess to achieve this prestigious distinction.

The Duchess says she does her own nails and makeup as well as her own household chores.  She is currently working on a singing career.


OK, tell me I am the only one that has questions??? Makeup??? How does she put on makeup without poking an eye out?  AND the obvious question is just too personal but still...how does she do that....???



Ring a Ding from a Ding a Ling

AMSTERDAM -- Dutch prosecutors are charging a 42-year-old woman with stalking after she allegedly called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. The 62-year-old victim from The Hague filed a police complaint in August due to the persistent phone calls. Police arrested the suspected stalker Monday, seizing several cell phones and computers from her home in Rotterdam. Hague prosecution spokeswoman Nicolette Stoel said Thursday the woman argued to judges at a preliminary hearing she had a relationship with the man and the number of calls she placed to him wasn't excessive. The man denied they had a relationship. The court ordered her not to contact him again. Simple math shows that if one were to make 65,000 a year, you would have had to place 1,250 a week or 178 calls each day. That breaks down to about one phone call every eight minutes — and this doesn't take in to account time to sleep, eat or take necessary breaks.  That is one serious multi-tasker.


I wondered if she called him to ask if he thought that the verdict was fair and what exactly constitutes "contact"?  I, also found it funny that in court she claimed 62,000 times wasn't excessive.  Does that mean she crossed the line on  just 3000ish calls


You Snooze, You Lose

WICHITA, Kansas — Wichita police say a burglar's decision to take a nap busted him inside a couple's home late Saturday afternoon.

Goldilocks could probably relate to a man arrested over the weekend in southeast Wichita. Police say a 35-year-old homeless man broke into a house on Saturday afternoon and began collecting items he planned to steal. While he was there, however, he found the opportunity for a hot shower and a nap in a nice bed too much to resist.

He was still asleep when the couple that lives at the house in the 1500 block of East Wassall  returned home about 5 p.m. on Saturday, Lt. Steve Kenney said.  The couple found the intruder in the bedroom frantically trying to pull on clothes owned by the husband. They called 911, and officers found the burglar hiding in a closet.

The man was booked into the Sedgwick County Jail.


Moral of the story:  Burglars out there...listen up...finish your work then take a nap when you get home. 


The Cat Came Back

 The Cat Came Back isn't just a children's song evidently.  Willow, the Calico cat escaped out of Colorado home 5 years ago. But thanks to a microchip that was implanted when she was a kitten, Willow will be reunited in Boulder, Colo., with her owners, the Squires, who had long ago given up hope. 



  Willow was found on East 20th Street by a man who took her to a shelter, and Julie Bank, executive director of Animal Care, said the microchip led to the Squires family. When Jamie Squire received the call she couldn't believe that Willow was alive and well.  How Willow traveled more than 1800 miles is still a mystery.  The cat seems to be well cared for and has a sweet temperament according to the animal care facility. Animal Care and the Squires were trying to arrange for transportation back to Colorado. In the interim, Willow may stay with a foster family in New York.




Perhaps, Willow went to New York to seek fame and fortune...or perhaps she heard about  other "Cats" having made it big on Broadway.

 
It's Not the Food that is the Problem

 COLUMBUS, Ohio -- A New York man is suing White Castle, claiming the booths in one of its hamburger restaurants are too small. Martin Kessman says in the federal lawsuit filed last week that he was embarrassed in 2009 when he tried squeezing his 6-foot, 290-pound frame into the seating at a White Castle in Nanuet, N.Y. He says he slammed his knee into a metal post under the table and was in pain. The lawsuit claims the restaurant could not accommodate a customer of Kessman's stature, in violation of the Americans With Disabilities Act. The suit seeks an unspecified financial judgment. Spokesman Jamie Richardson at White Castle headquarters in Columbus, Ohio, says the restaurant is being replaced and that the new one will have roomier seating. According to The New York Post, Kessman said "I'm not a humongous [but] I'm a big guy. After leaving the restaurant in pain from his injuries related to the under-sized booth, he wrote multiple letters to the corporate headquarters about the inadequate seating situation and his extreme embarrassment in having to try to squeeze himself into a chair at the Rockland County location.  White Castle's response according to Kessman was a series of condescending letters and three coupons for a total of nine free hamburgers.  "But the cheese was extra". he wrote into the lawsuit. Spokesman Jamie Richardson at White Castle headquarters in Columbus, Ohio, says the restaurant is being replaced and that the new one will have roomier seating.


 I can see if one is embarrassed by not being able to force one's fat self into a seat, that going global with a lawsuit is sure to shore up one's self esteem.  Maybe he should use the drive-thru and skip the cheese on those yummy little burgers.




Here is a Tip

A western Pennsylvania jewelry store owner says a man charged with burglarizing the shop called and offered to help solve the case after the owner offered a reward. Police have since charged 28-year-old Emile Pratt Jr. with burglarizing Mark Multari's Gold Mind Jewelers in Sharon, about 60 miles northwest of Pittsburgh.  Multari tells The Sharon Herald that  after he announced a reward for information pertaining to an Aug. 31 burglary, Pratt called claiming to have heard glass breaking when the alarm sounded at 2:45 a.m. and "said he would help in any way" to catch the thief. Police charged Pratt after tracing some of the 100 items stolen in the burglary to stores and pawn shops where Pratt allegedly sold them. Online court records don't list an attorney for Pratt, who remains jailed.


It is never a good idea for the criminal to offer police help in tracking down the criminal. 


Perhaps this explains why the Amsterdam guy didn't pick up his phone.  He was on the dance floor and didn't want to talk or think anymore.






The Good for the Day....  Numbers can be blocked on cell phones


 The Bad for the Day...Idiot criminals



The Weird for the day..There was another case of "excessive" phoning, this year.

In Athens, Georgia a woman, Diana Jenkins was dumped by her boyfriend, Jerome Murphy in January.  Jenkins purportedly called Murphy 65,000 times. (seems to be the magic number, heh?)  Murphy filed a report with the police and Jenkins was served with a harassment charge.

As evidence the woman's cell phone carrier released excerpts of the messages she left.  Below are just a few of the thousands.

Why?

Why?

Is there another woman?

What are you doing right now?

Are you with another woman?

I'm sorry.  Why?

Are you screening this? Why?

I can change if you tell me why!  Why?

Do you remember why you broke up with me now?

How about now?

Now?

Friday Around the Water Cooler 8/19/2011

A lot of the back page news this week dealt with forms of transportation.  Seems every story I read this week had something to do with a vehicle.  Trucks, cars and planes along with clueless or confused owners make for odd news.



The Drive-Through

First on the list today is a story out of Panama City, FL that a husband called his wife at her work.  Wifey said she couldn't talk as she was busy being a waitress at the Waffle House.  Husband guy didn't take that well and thought he would drive on over to the Waffle House and kill her.  His weapon of choice was his pickup truck.

This might not have been the best way to settle the argument.  Charles O'Bryan was charged with attempted murder. 

Talk about bad parking jobs



What is it with Panama City?  PC keeps showing up in "Around the Water Cooler" news. As for this story, I wonder at what point the guy thought "This probably wasn't a good idea".


Drive Through Part II


A NYC garbage truck dangled from the third floor of a building in Queens.  Firefighters removed the injured driver who was taken to an area hospital with back and neck injuries.  No explanation was given as to what the circumstances where that resulted in the accident.

Definitely made a wrong turn.  RECALCULATING!

Drive Through Part III

A woman seeking revenge on her husband in New Zealand smashed her car into the wrong apartment complex, according to The Nelson Mail. The paper said, the woman thought she was plowing into the home of her husband’s mistress, but she actually drove through the wrong building. The woman, 25, whose name has been withheld, pleaded guilty to causing almost $43,000 worth of damage to the property in the town of Nelson. The flames of jealousy were fanned when the wife read text messages sent to her husband from another woman, The Mail said. The wife, with her husband as a passenger, drove to the mistress’s address. The wife allegedly drove through the complex’s gates and into the garage of an apartment that belonged to someone else.

The husband was in the car...  HMMM...how could she of not gotten the right house? 



Planes in the News, too

Gerard Depardieu couldn't wait any longer to use the loo. The actor was thrown off a Paris to Dublin CityJet flight on Tuesday after a fellow flyer claimed he stood up and relieved himself while yelling: “I need to p***.”
Cabin crew refused to allow him to go the restroom as the plane was awaiting take-off.

The flight was delayed for more than two hours.

Probably peeing in full view of a plane full of passengers isn't the most brilliant career path ever taken.  I wonder if the delay was covered by any one's flight insurance?  It definitely wasn't weather related.

Planes and Pugs

 Another milestone for a California Pug.  This week Otis made  another jump with his owner. Otis, a ten-year-old pug hailing from Galt, Calif., made his 64th jump (tandem, of course) with his owner, Will DaSilva, on Monday afternoon.  "He's just like a first-time skydiver," DaSilva says "He's all excited about it, gets nervous at the door just like all the rest of the skydivers, and then once he gets out he's just having a ball. He's just like a dog with his head out the car window. 




AAAWWWW 


A Love Story

Roy Fitts was doing 10 years in an Oregon prison for attempted murder. Jessica was doing time for bank robbery.  They met on a prison pen pal site and fell in love, got married in the slammer and upon release from prison wanted a fresh start in Los Vegas. 

Roy, however, was on parole and didn't the hassle of talking to his parole officer about his impending relocation.  So he and his pregnant bride, Jessica, decide to steal a car and head for the Vegas.

The first of many problems with their plan was they decided the best way to get reliable transportation was to steal it.  After shooting the owner of a van and leaving him by a highway, they were on their way.  The police didn't take kindly to their methods of obtaining transportation and started pursuing them.  After a high speed chase, the police placed stop sticks across the roadway.

The couple had to ditch the van and make a run for it.  As luck would have it they found an old man in a pickup truck that was to become their new ride.

The chase became far easier for the cops as the Fitts tried to drive in 1st gear and continually stalled the engine.   Neither knew how to drive a stick shift. 

I guess they will be back to being pen pals in the near future.

The Good for the Day...Skydiving dogs are cute.

The Bad for the Day... A Florida babysitter, was arrested after being spotted on Wednesday driving around with a 8 month old baby in the

back of a pickup.  Keyona Davis was arrested for child neglect.

The Weird for the Day.... A Detroit area man decided to drive his truck despite knowing that the brakes did not work.  He thought he would be able to stick his foot out of the door and stop it "manually". 

After coming to a stop light, he, indeed, did put out his foot but was unable to stop the truck.  After hitting two cars, continuing through the the intersection and hitting two more cars the truck came to a stop.