Wednesday, June 1, 2011

FBI Agent Lulled to Sleep

I should be sending a letter to the Missouri division of the FBI to apologize that one of their employees will be sleeping on the job today.  Yes, it is going to be my fault. 

Yesterday I sent in my paperwork to get a FBI background check, prior to me going in this morning to get fingerprinted.  Missouri has enacted some new rules regarding those of us with questionable sanity, questionable integrity and questionable intelligence that hold real estate licenses in their state.  While I can appreciate the fact that there are probably some low-life types that have licenses to buy and sell real estate, I am somewhat surprised at the the process to weed out the truly undeserving from the rest of us schlubs.

First of all, I went to a web site per the instructions of my broker to register.  This site is a 3rd party type of company that Missouri obviously uses for the purpose of doing background checks for a number of professions.

Soooo...already...I have a problem.   For the sake of not dissing the company by name I will call them KYSFIR (Keeping You Safe From Idiot Realtors).  I would call them by name but they might have the FBI logged into my blog.  From here on out I can't be too careful.

Anyway...I log in to this KYSFIR web site and through a maze of pick this and pick that type of questions, am pretty much asked "Why I am needing an FBI background check?

Well, crap...I say!!! Don't you know?  The state of Missouri hired your company to do this.   Why in the hell are you asking me? The quick answer is  because its the law, you morons.  If I want to keep my license, I have to have your company get all "up in my business" to make sure I am not a terrorist or a criminal. The long answer probably has to do with someone making some money by enacting this new rule.

  The big ole logo at the top says of KYSFIR's very  "user unfriendly" web site has a giant header that says:

With Trust and Confidence in individual identities provided by KYSFIR, governments and businesses around the world are protecting the public against terrorism, crime and theft fostered by fraudulent ID's.

Obviously, as a group we real estate agents are a shifty bunch and you as the public need to be protected from us. It probably should read terrorism, crime, theft and crooked real estate transactions.

So let me just assure you that I mean you no harm.  Here is what the FBI guy will discover while doing my background check.

  • Female
  • Married
  • Two children
  • Brown Hair  (well not really, but looks brown because of the dye)
  • Hazel Eyes
  • 5'4, 125 lbs.
  • Never been in a jail cell (except on the Alcatraz tour)
  • Never been in the back of a police car (wouldn't want to be arrested but might be fun for the experience)
  • Don't have any outstanding warrants
  • Have never needed bail money
  • Haven't broken any laws that I am aware of...well..that's not entirely true.  There is a law on the books in Illinois that says if you aren't married you must call your date "Master".  I dated my husband 4 years prior to us getting married and not once did I call him "Master".  That might show up on today's report. Oh and in Moline there is a law that says you can't repetitively use 23rd St.  (guilty) and in Manteno you can't drop a used Kleenex, I don't think I did but I might have.
  • Have only had 3 traffic accidents in my adult life (not counting the time I backed into Kiddo #1's car) 2 of those clearly weren't my fault, and the one that I got a ticket for was "allegedly"  following too closely was when I rear ended a guy that slammed on his breaks in front of me.  Dumb ass..meaning him..not me.  I wasn't following too close until he stopped. Then I definitely was too close.  In his backseat, pretty much.
  • Have always followed the ethical rules of  the National Board of Realtors.  This has hurt my business considerably.  Playing fair and honest doesn't work in your favor in this business.
I don't know exactly what all the FBI wants to know about me but I am pretty sure the poor guy that gets my file is going to be finding it pretty dull.  YYYYAAAWWWN!!  Nappy nap time. 

I will get back with you and report if they have uncovered any smoking guns that won't allow me to renew my license. 

The Good for the Day...I will have this piece of bureaucratic nonsense behind me after today.

The Bad for the Day...This is one that has my sorta steaming ...This company won't take a charge card or a check from me.  I have to go get a cashier's check.  WHAT???? They have done a FBI background check on me but can't trust me to use a charge card???????

The Weird for the day...Snooki gets to ride in the back of another police car.  This isn't a new experience for her.  She ran into the back of a cop car and injured two Italian police officers.  Sorry to say they have let her off the hook after taking her to the police station.  I am worried that they might deport her back to the states.  Please keep her.  Pretty please???  

This is what the FBI guy will look like when my file comes across his desk.


Cheeseboy said...

I don't know. I mean hazel eyes?

Cheryl P. said...

I am nervous about that not calling hubby "master" and all. I just got back from my interrogation and noticed that one of the inquisitors took a long time going over the computer screen after she asked my maiden name. I was sweating bullets.

Annie (Lady M) x said...

Brilliant post - I laughed my head off at the Air Hostess falling over the conveyor!

But hell what is all that shit about you registering as a Real Agent? Bollocks!

Iluvbeingagrandpa said...

I'm thinking the whole call the husband "master" has a certain ring to

Iluvbeingagrandpa said...

Oh and the video was hysterical

Cheryl P. said...

I have had a real estate license for a really long time although, in the last couple of years there have been so many rule changes it has gotten ridiculous. I use the license once in awhile to help friends or past clients. I am thinking I need to figure out a new something to do. Today this was for my renewal.

Cheryl P. said...

You and a few other (million) guys probably think that would be nice. Only applies to Illinois, non-married dating couples. Does that apply to you?

Nicky said...

You DYE your hair?!?!? Why, what are you trying to hide?!?! Passing yourself off as a brunette is definitely suspicious behaviour...


Cheryl P. said...

You would think that those grey strands would be a badge of honor as it took me years to get them, but no, I think Dark Brown #5 is my friend. If that fails, then paper sack tan is going to be my next best friend.

Jewell said...

I am so seriously disappointed in you. That "master" law is VERY important to the general civility of humanity. Shame on you Cheryl! FBI will probably get you JUST for that! Bad!

Cheryl P. said...

You might be right. If my next email to you comes with a return address of a Federal prison you know that I have a problem. I guess I would have to change the part of my post about never needing bail money.

Jewell said...

Well that and not ever having ridden in the back of a police car! LOL =)

Don E. Chute said...

That cashiers check....are you mailing it in, or showing up in person? Cuz that's when they probably nab you!

So sorry to all my Brothers and Sista's in Italy, Snooki needs to stay.

Your blog is probably flagged now and most likely banned in China.

oldereyes said...

As a guy who has had to have security clearances all my life, you've only scratched the surface. At the lower clearances, they talk to the people you give as references. As you go higher, they ask your references for the names of people that know you, and at even higher levels, they roam your neighborhood asking random people. The questionnaires become increasingly intrusive and at the highest level, a polygraph is always a possibility. And believe me, these guys have NO sense of humor.

Cheryl P. said...

I had to hand the check to a person. She looked it over pretty thoroughly. They must have a real problem with bad payments with all the scrutiny and all. oops..better watch what I never know who is watching.

Cheryl P. said...

Oh and about the Snooki thing. The Italians are just looking for an excuse to send her packin'. They made it a requirement that the Jersey bunch can't drink over there. You have to know that they thought that would keep them home. Shoot, that is why she ran into the cop car. She wants deported so she can get drunk.

Cheryl P. said...

You know when you think about all the snoopin these guys do they would be privy to a lot of salacious stuff. Think Clinton and Edwards alone... Really why aren't they more fun than they are??
I would hate that they would ask my neighbors about me. The diologue wouldn't be pretty.

Jayne said...

If they read this post they're also going to find out how bright and funny you are!

Cheryl P. said...

You are very kind, my friend.

Jayne said...

I enjoy your light-heartedness so much -- and I need it these days.

Bodaciousboomer said...

You know once you're fingerprinted your plans of a life of crime will all have to be ditched.

Cheryl P. said...

I hadn't thought of that, which only proves I have no business being a criminal.

meleahrebeccah said...

"They have done a FBI background check on me but can't trust me to use a charge card???????"

That's crazy!

And the whole Snookie thing, makes me laugh out loud!

Cheryl P. said...

Crazy, for sure! On both counts: the not taking a charge card and Snookie. That whole Jersey Shore group is nuts but being crazy seems to pay fairly well.

meleahrebeccah said...

I die laughing EVERY TIME, I watch that show.
Considering I live in NJ, I feel obligated!

Cheryl P. said...

I thought it was pretty funny when your Gov. Christie was on one of the morning talk shows and said he wished they would go back to New York. Seems he doesn't like that people associate NJ with this bunch of idiots.

meleahrebeccah said...

The "Situation" is from NJ. He's actually from my town, Manalapan.
And, VERY sadly for me, a lot of guys here are EXACTLY like him.
Thus, I haven't been on a date in over a year!

And Sammie is from NJ.

But, I think Vinny, Ronnie, Snookie & Jwow are from NY.
And Pauly D is from some other state all together.

Cheryl P. said...

OMG there are others like that! I think being dateless is better than being stuck with something like the Situation. Snooki, really is the worst of that bunch though.

meleahrebeccah said...

Oh yes. Precisely why I don't date!