Sunday, March 11, 2012

Marriage 101 - Lesson #1

Recently our church hosted a 6 week sermon series called "Love, Sex and Marriage".  For you regular readers you already know the church I go to would be called a mega church by some, so we are used to the pews being filled. 

While I am not entirely sure if the crowds that showed up for this series was due to the fact our church customarily has around 24,000 regulars, or if people are concerned over the state of their relationships, or if the fact the word sex was in the title had them coming in droves.  Truly, "a good turn out" is an understatement.  People filled the sanctuary, the narthex and still they kept filing in.  Sex sells, even if it is in church. 

Some of the topics included were "Making Marriage Last and Lifetime", Habits that Hurt and Habits that Heal", and "What She Wants, What He Wants" and you might be surprised to know the week that that was  "The Significance of Sexual Intimacy" was a real crowd pleaser.

comic is created by Randy Glasbergen at
While this sermon series made a lot of interesting helpful points, I thought I might throw out my own series of lessons for those of you requiring some remedial marriage advice.  That fact that I am totally unqualified to give any advice on this subject should probably be seen as a deterrent but as I see it, a lot of people are constantly giving advice on subjects they know nothing about.  I do have some experience in marriage.  I can tell you after 40.7 years of marriage I have picked up a couple of valuable tips to pass along.  I mean, really, even the village idiot should be able to pick up a couple clues in 40 years.

Lesson #1   Recognizing Potential Marriage Material

As I see it, the most important step in having a lasting marriage is the ability to recognize quality marriage material.  If you aren't capable of recognizing the "losers-among-us", the odds are greatly stacked against you finding a long lasting partner.

So for today's lesson, let's review how to size up your pool of applicants.  Just to be clear....the lesson today is for people THAT DON'T CURRENTLY HAVE A MATE.   Here's a suggestion for those of you out there on the prowl but have a "significant other" waiting at home... under the mistaken impression that you are the faithful sort.... STOP IT...BEHAVE YOURSELF.

Also, I want you to take note that while I tend to write these instructions with feminine and masculine verbiage, you can substitute as needed. Trashy and tacky are the same no matter if you are looking for a male or female.

  • Don't pick your future mate based solely on their looks.
Pretty or handsome are nice qualities for sure.  BUT they aren't the first and foremost trait that you need in a spouse.  I know, I know...this is a tough pill to swallow.  Still, what good is a perfect package if the contents inside are rotten?

So ladies, if you can't take your eyes off those huge biceps long enough to figure out he has an L on his forehead and you men out there can't stop staring at...well, you know what you're staring at...just be forewarned that beauty fades over time but bitchy lasts forever.

  • Try to find a person that has some redeeming qualities.

For any of you that ever were in Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts, you might remember all the things you promised to be such as to be honest, loyal, friendly, helpful, considerate, courteous, strong, responsible, trustworthy, kind,  cheerful, brave, clean, reverent, and fair.  The girl's law also included "respect myself and others."  I would also add perseverance to the list.   (Note: I left out a couple as they could go the wrong way in a marriage...I had doubts about the obedient and thrifty promise.)

This is what I am talking about...these are the things that you need to be looking for. When that beauty that we talked about in part 1,  starts fading, you need some substance left to rely on.

  • Beware of  "red flags".

I realize it is difficult to separate the good from the bad so I am going to give you a few warning signs.  Some of these are going to be gender specific and now I have the added burden of not being able to use the word slut as it seems to get people in trouble. 

If you are looking for a WOMAN

For those of  you out there trying to find Miss's tricky.  The first lesson is to analyze the amount of clothes she is wearing.  A s*** will be dressed inappropriately for her surroundings. There is a general trashiness about her and she is showing way too much skin. I am worried that you might not notice this overtly skankiness on her part as you can't take your eyes off her Ts & As but force yourself to focus.  This lack of clothing doesn't necessarily mean she is promiscuous but the odds are...she is.

Be warned to the fact that some women won't make it as easy to spot their general unworthiness.  They will look  nice and all.... but underneath their cuteness they are bitches. They are on the hunt to find someone willing to "live" for them and them alone. They will suck every ounce of joy out of your life.  Your money, self esteem and energy will be gone as well as your youth.  Where your testicles once were will be vacant real estate.

Listen closely for clues.  These, my men friends are WARNING SIGNS.
 Every statement she makes, sounds like an open ended question. and is profusely peppered with the word "like".   "That is, like,  soooo weird?? (weird will sound like wweeerrrddd) or the classic "I know,  Right????"  

She is overly dramatic.  Every matter how a big deal and it is ALWAYS about her. Drama, drama, drama

Refers to  her friends as "the bitches" but admits her girl friends are few.  Most of her friends are guys.

She uses the phrases "I was so wasted" or " I was so messed up" frequently. 

She talks about all her boyfriends and all the guys that want her.

  • If you are looking for a life's partner you might want to skip something that looks like this.

Not only over exposed but over indulged.

If you are looking for a MAN

Unlike the advice I gave the men about avoiding skanks, your advice is a tad different.  You need to avoid men that are selfish and want to control you.  If they want to consider you as one of their run and run fast. They aren't supposed to want to be your boss or your daddy.  They are supposed to be your PARTNER. 

Not all over-controlling guys look the part so this is tricky.  If you are lucky they will look douchey so you can spot them.  Unfortunately, if they look normal, it will take some sleuthing on your part to discover their tendency to be a jerk.  Be sure to kick them to the curb when they start hurting your feelings regularly, embarrassing you routinely and never show the slightest remorse.

Be aware that there is a segment of the male human herd that are douchey.  A douche is a guy that is self absorbed, has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of others with no sense of how moronic he appears.

Here are a few warning signs of less than perfect partners:

He tends to wear sunglasses indoors and at night.

Likes to show off his chest with either unbuttoned shirts or NO shirt at all.

Can't ever be too tan. It may be real or it may be orange spray.

He uses products in his hair.  LOTS and LOTS of product.

The numbers you will hear most often from him is how much he can bench press and the size of the woofers to his awesome stereo system. You will already know all about his music as it is blaring from his car and you can hear it at least a city block prior to him arriving at your place.

He, like his counterpart the skank, likes to tell you about past episodes of being wasted, drunk or "out of it". 

Tells you of all the other women that want him now and all of his awesome girlfriends that "he broke up with."

  • Skip anything that looks like this:

Really?? Is this the only guy in the place that she could find to be with?

Hope this helps those of you that are still searching for someone to share your life with. 

For those of you that have that special person in your life already....what were you looking for in a person?  Did you get it? What do you consider the most important requirements for a lasting relationship?


Thechubbychatterbox said...

Too bad I've been happily married for thirty- eight years and can't benefit from your advice.

Cold As Heaven said...

Good that they have started to talk about sex in church. I never go to church myself (I rejected God when I was 9 yo), but I sometimes listen to the mass in public broadcasting. Mainly because I need to update on the foolishness of religion and it's practice >:)

Cold As Heaven

Cheryl P. said...

You must of picked some quality marriage material. (and Mrs. Chatterbox did as well) What qualities were you looking for in a spouse?

Cheryl P. said...

Hi Cold as Heaven, I think most organized religions do have some serious views on "sex". I usually try not to ever post anything related to religion as I totally appreciate whatever people choose to believe or not. Of course, most of the point of my blog post was to poke fun at the idiots out there with their underwear hanging out of their outerwear and thinking it is a "magnet" to the opposite sex. HA, if my bra or panties are hanging out for someone to see, I can assure you that people would be requesting for me "to put that away".

Nicky said...

Uh oh! I use open-ended questions all the time (It's not my fault, I'm Canadian. We do that.) plus most of my friends are guys. I'm starting to develop a complex... :-)

Cheryl P. said...

I am, like, so suuurrre, that you are awesome, like really....right?

Bodaciousboomer said...

Sound advice I hope I never have to use in the future.

Nicky said...

I know, right?! Like, that is sooooo what all the guys who, like, want me are saying! :-)