Friday, April 22, 2011

What You Might Have Missed

Here it is another Friday and I am so worried that you might have missed all the bizarre, inconsequential, stupid, main-stream news this week because of the Network News Loop. Here is my theory,  the networks pretape the stories that they believe to be the most interesting, put them on a computer that just keeps looping them over and over and over....

 Pre-recorded news for the week of April 17-24

I know these three stories are of great importance especially the upcoming nuptials but to be fair to some of the other events that are happening, I thought I might bring you up to speed.

Just to keep you IN THE KNOW here are a few things you might have missed.

1. Homeland Security has done away with the multi-level, multi-colored warning system.  In the case of emergency, you might actually want a working knowledge of this one.  Well...really...I can't give you a working knowledge of this as I am not sure how it is going to work BUT this is what I know.

The old system is no more.   The old one that you see on the right,  is history.   Just forget you ever saw it.  I realize that this old one might have had a certain amount of confusion surrounding it, as the government changed the levels 16 times in the ten+ years since it's inception.  However, it was kind of pretty as systems go; as least as far as systems that are designed  to stamp our city or town with an expiration date.

But, alas, progress.  We now have a new system.  ARE YOU READY?


There you have it.  The complete new system to let us know our level of
immediate danger.  I am so relieved that this sure-fire system was designed  (probably took thousands of hours of planning) just so we could all sleep peacefully  at night.

I do have just a couple of itty-bitty little questions though.

Now according to the plan when we get one of these alerts they are supposed to let us know exactly what the danger is.  The press release tells us that it will be area specific and they will use Facebook and Twitter in the execution of getting the warnings out to us.  So here are a few of my questions.

A.  Do I need to become a follower on my Twitter account to Homeland Security? AND because I am me, will I stay focused enough to read Homeland Security's tweet before I read Sarah Silverman's or Funny One Liners?
B.  Can they stick to the 140 characters or less on any emergency that impacts my living longer than my current age? (which remains a mystery) Also, note that I have run a couple of tests on my Twitter account to the right, to make sure my Emergency Tweet Broadcast System is working effectively.
C. Do I need to press the "Confirm as a Friend" button on my Facebook page to make Homeland Security my friend?
D.  If I am in elevated danger does that mean I stand a fighting chance of protecting myself versus what the word imminent implies,  MY ASS IS TOAST?
E.  If the old system got changed 16 times what is the realistic change count for this one?
F.  What if the people "from no place in particular" don't know what the words elevated or imminent mean? Are they automatically doomed? Maybe you could put in parentheses behind elevated  (things aren't looking good) and behind imminent (oh, sh**, hope you have all your affairs in order!).

I am hopeful that Homeland Security will get back to me on this quickly but I have my doubts.  The first release of the new system was on January  27th but the public was notified last night. (April 20) Of course, this could be that I didn't notice a tweet.

2.  Another news release for this week....The Dept. of Transportation is enacting new rules for the airlines to help protect consumer rights.

Here are a few of the key points. 

All fees that are associated with the price of your ticket have to be prominently disclosed.  So, all taxes and government fees will show up on the price of your ticket.  No guessing about the extra costs.  This is nice.
The only down side I see, is that now that ticket that used to show as $250.00 then later became $295.00 when you actually paid for it, starts out as $295.00.  No more surprises.  You get the kick to your private parts over with quickly so you can move on with the rest of your day.

Also, airlines have to prominently display all the add-on costs that are not directly associated with mandated taxes and fees.  Those little incidentals like baggage fees, meals, a place to put your legs, a blanket, a pillow, earphones for those that choose not to try to lip read the movie, (providing you are on a flight that has a movie..really you are expecting a lot  for your $1122.00 round trip fare, aren't you?)

Now here is one you might like.  If they lose your luggage, you get the fee that you paid to bring a suitcase with you, returned.  (Really, what were you thinking that made you want to check a bag  in the first place?   With that kind of backward thinking, I am not sure you deserve a refund.)

Also,  if you get involuntarily bumped from your flight you will be recouping $650 -$1330 depending on how long you are delayed.  I did notice that the article I was reading to acquire all this  information said that in the past you could  get $400-$800 for being bumped. What?  Who did?  I have gotten bumped  before and never got a dime.  I think there must be a system that I am not aware of. I suppose I needed to check out their web site at www.ifyournotageekyoudontdeserveourrespect(dot)com.

For a more thorough understanding of all the new bonuses you get to pay for when you fly, here is a nice little article that talks about the fun financials of flying. New Rules for Flyers

Couple little quickies that are flying under the radar as far as news goes.

3. Rod Blagojevich's trial started Wednesday.  For any of you that watched Rod on Celebrity Apprentice, you already know the real entertainment value associated with this trial.  It has nothing to to with Illinois politics, which is notoriously good for some laughs but more the fact that as reality stars go, that Rod is totally fun to watch. (Just think of Moe in the Three Stooges)
4. The Phallological Museum in Husavik, Iceland got it's first human penis for display.  The "Penis" museum is excited at it's latest acquisition. They received the donated pickled penis (say that 3 times really fast) after waiting for 15 years for a donor to actually deliver on his promise. The museum curator Sigurdur Hjartarson, said this rounds out the extensive collection of phalluses from numerous other mammals including whales, seals and bears (oh my)

So blogees, there is a little news to tide you over till the news loop changes. Have a Happy Easter for those that celebrate the holiday. 

No tie in on the video today.  Just for fun.

The Good for the day....Here comes Peter Cotton Tail, hopping down the Bunny Trail, Hippity, Hoppity, Easter's on its way....

The Bad for the Day...The penis that was donated (albeit pickled) was that of a 95 year old man. I am thinking that is bad.  Probably not in the best shape of it's life.

The Weird for the Day.....A passenger on a bus in Argentina was arrested after authorities were tipped off to the fact that he was smuggling 444 snakes, 186 turtles, 40 lizards and one armadillo in assorted pieces of luggage.  Creepy...snakes on a bus.  Sound like a movie sequel to Snakes on a Plane. But why just one armadillo?


Anonymous said...

Well...ok...because my job forces me to be a news whore, I knew about all of this stuff already (sorry to disappoint that I'm disgustingly more informed than the average bear *snort*)

However...there is nothing entertaining IMHO about Blago. I've about had it with him, and hold out little hope that they'll string him up by the balls for the prisoners to use as a pinata, but I dream. Besides...the worthless bastard made me miss a whole season of Celebrity Apprentice...unforgivable!

Happy weekend!! xo

Cperz said...

Oh,Jewell,Jewell, I meant that the Blago trial is entertaining in the most satirical, sarcastic way possible. Hubby and I own our family farm in Illinois, and I have been waiting anxiously for Rod to go join Gov. Ryan in the big house. I do think the man is crazy (I mean that literally) and find the shit that comes out of his mouth way more entertaining than the drug induced rants of Charlie Sheen. Blago can't even blame it on being high. Really, people voted for this guy to run their state. So let's agree to disagree. I will be watching the trial with my fingers crossed and commenting under my breath regularly "what a f***** dumb ass".

Anonymous said...

Ok...well sarcastic blog fodder I can get on board with where Blago is concerned. Especially if it includes swearing and images of him hanging by his balls like a pinata =) *snort* As for "what a f***** dumb ass"...that pretty much comes out of my mouth every time his picture comes up on the TV =) Strange how our wave lengths are almost identical! lol =)

Anonymous said...

Pickled penis, packled ponus, punkled pomis. Yike, I can't do it. My Dad's looked pretty good at ninety one ... he told me so, honest.

Cperz said...

Hi Bud, You are really clever and witty, (I am not being sarcastic here, I feel the need now to always put whether I am being sincere or sarcastic).
Luckily I don't that any test will ever arise that requires us to say pickled penis, let alone multiple times. And as far as what a 95 year old penis looks like, I will take anyones word for it. OR wait out the 36 years for my husband to
weigh in on the subject. He will not be donating his to the museum in Iceland though.

Cheryl said...

Hi Bud, You are really clever and witty, (I am not being sarcastic here, I feel the need now to always put whether I am being sincere or sarcastic).
Luckily I don't that any test will ever arise that requires us to say pickled penis, let alone multiple times. And as far as what a 95 year old penis looks like, I will take anyones word for it. OR wait out the 36 years for my husband to
weigh in on the subject. He will not be donating his to the museum in Iceland though.